On the cusp of the Warriors acquiring another All-Star, several friends (including non-Basketball fans) have asked what’s the point of even watching if you know who is going to win? As if 4 All-Stars weren’t enough, adding Boogie essentially guarantee’s a third straight ring for Golden State. So why even watch anymore? I’ve used the scientific method learned in my Geology 101 lab senior year of undergrad to investigate and analyze literally every single possible scenario and have finally uncovered the scientifically proven top 10 reasons why watching the NBA is still worth it:
1. It’s literally the only interesting thing to watch on a Tuesday night
Go ahead, don’t flip to TNT, Mr. Too Good for the NBA. Have fun tuning into NBCs dream lineup of a two hour America’s Got Talent episode then stay tuned for World of Dance at 10pm! Or, head over to TBS to watch a 4 hour Big Bang Theory marathon! Or maybe you’ve been feeling gracious and kind, so you decide to give the remote to your SO — have fun watching that House Hunters (which is a scam) marathon on HGTV! I’ve used my two years of working full-time to present your options through a high end visual crafted through Excel including a Level of Excitement (LoE) scale.
2. The Celtics could actually beat the Warriors
The Boston (projected) starting lineup: Kyrie Irving, Jaylen Brown, Jason Tatum, Gordon Hayward, and Al Horford. Does this not scare you if you are the Warriors? In a year or even this year, this could legitimately be a starting lineup composed of five All-Stars. Irving, Tatum, and Hayward are all capable 20 point scorers every night. Jaylen Brown is really coming into his own and Horford is continuing to be the reliable big man he’s always been. Their bench is also nothing to joke with, including Marcus Smart (if they resign him), Marcus Morris, and Terry “Game 7 Green Light” Rozier amongst others. They are a deep team who can score and defend led by the best coach in the game right now. Long term, we will see if they can keep this core, most notably Irving who has a player option next year. The Celtics match up extremely well with the Warriors and could give them a ton of trouble in the Finals this year (yes I’m already calling it) and possibly for the next several years.
3. You’ll end up getting caught liking booty pics on IG
Ah, just scrolling through that Discover page huh? You click on a @worldstar video. Scroll down a bit, you click a #worldstarhoneys video. You check the model. You check her agency. You get stuck in a deep thirst trap of booty pics until *gulp* your finger slips and you don’t realize that you hit that Like button. Fifteen minutes later your whole graduating class has passed around a screenshot that you liked a picture from @bootyworldwidexx. Have fun at your reunion!
4. What food will JR Smith throw next?
Top 3 NBA stories of all time: JR Smith throwing a bowl of chicken tortilla soup at Cavs assistant Damon Jones. A bowl was a solid choice and must have been extremely fun to throw — I imagine him throwing the bowl like a frisbee with the soup flying everywhere en route to Damon’s face including all over LeBron’s stack of Samsung phones he’s no longer using. Though this story has always brought me joy, I wish JR opted to scoop a steaming bowl of hot soup into his bare hands and rinsed Damon’s face like the actors do in those Proactiv commercials instead. But the real question is, what will JR throw next? Maybe he’ll throw lo mein at Jordan Clarkson for taking too many threes and continuing to rock that horrible taper. Or he gets diabolical, where he bakes a fresh batch of Bagel Bites and forces Larry Nance to take a bite: RIP mouth. Make sure to keep a close eye on this developing story during the 18/19 season.
5. The Markelle Faultz saga
Nobody knows what on exactly happened to Faultz this year. His agent claimed he had fluid drained out of his shoulder, then later said he didn’t, in which either way it caused a ton of pain and ultimately forced him to alter his shooting form. The Sixers, on the other hand, claim that his shoulder pain came because his trainer tried to alter his shooting form. Even deeper, some believe it’s all in his head. Coming from being a consensus #1 pick last year, none of us really know how the Sixers are going to use him going forward. They already have one guard frightened of the 3pt line — is having a second beneficial for them? They could possibly use him as a trading piece, or maybe his shot miraculously comes back? Going forward it’ll be interesting how the Sixers play this out.
6. Watching Doc Rivers’ bald/not bald head
Doc is up there with David Blaine, David Copperfield, and Houdini. His greatest trick: having a visible hairline but not actually having any hair. A true masterpiece that he has perfected in the past six years. It’s worth tuning into all two primetime games the Clippers will have to witness this spectacle. I’ve also enjoyed his other illusions including fooling the Clipper organization into paying $35mil for his own son.
7. You’re probably going to end up playing Take Care on repeat
You had a long day at work and you just saw that ex-you-can’t-get-over post another “Living my best life xoxo” pic on IG. You’re down and weak. Instead of cheering yourself up with another Westbrook triple double, you make the dire mistake of listening to Marvin’s Room on repeat then scrolling down a bit to let Stevie Wonder serenade you with a harmonica in Doing It Wrong. At this point its 2am and you passed out on the couch watching George Lopez with a half empty jar of Eddy’s ice cream. It ain’t worth it my guy.
8. Lance Stephenson + Javale McGee antics
The two most Shaqtin’ worthy players in NBA history — Shaqtin’ HOFers if you will. Imagine this: the Lakers are in Staples Center up 10 against the Celtics with 2 minutes left. Lebron makes a come from behind block on Kyrie, gets rebound, then passes out to Lance who is on a 2v0 with Javale. From half court, Lance Stephenson throws a behind the back lob that banks off Lavar Ball’s head. McGee catches it, does a 360 windmill, then misses the dunk after hitting his head on the backboard. LeBron comes over rips Javale’s rat tail off while Lance blows into LeBron’s nose. Lakers lose 110–111.
9. Hearing Sheck Wes every time Mo Bamba scores/blocks someone
Sheck Wes, a budding rapper from Harlem signed to Travis Scott’s record label, grew up and is close with Orlando Magic’s 1st pick in the 2018 Mohamed Bamba. As he parallels his come up in the rap game with Mo Bamba’s basketball career in his single “Mo Bamba”, Sheck Wes proclaims that he is “BALLINNNNNN LIKE MY *insert word that is reserved only for my African American brothers and sisters* MOOOO.” Throughout the song, his other claims include having several flows and that he is like the Green Goblin. This song blasting in Amway Center after Bamba gets his 10th block of the game may possibly make Orlando fun again.
10. What will (my beloved) Hornets do with Kemba Walker?
This should probably not be on the top 10 list but I’m clearly biased and don’t care what you think. Kemba Walker is the all-time greatest player in Charlotte. Kemba is also on a contract year and is approaching his prime. If you know Kemba, you know he loves to win. That being said it could be very possible that he does not re-sign with us next year. Though GM Mitch Kupchak has said that he wants Kemba to finish his career here, it’s been no secret that talks were made in the trade deadline and during this offseason about a potential trade to the Cavs for Kemba. Kemba’s winning mindset along with the multiple times his name has been thrown into trade discussions may ultimately cause him to walk. That being said: should we trade him? I’ve heard Lonzo Ball for Kemba rumors which I, being against the grain, wouldn’t mind. Kemba goes to a good team and Ball is still developing which I am willing to wait out on. Ball could bring more playmaking to the Hornets, and being mentored by Tony Parker certainly wouldn’t hurt. Not saying that Ball is better but he could be the PG of our future and is worth trading for if we get a sense that Kemba will walk. I’ve also theorized trading Kemba and Batum (trash contract) to the Sixers for Markelle and Dario Saric, but I’ll save this theory for another day.