2018/19 NBA All Star Hairline Selections
As a player, All Star selections are an accolade used to argue your success and legacy in the NBA. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has been selected to the most All Star games in NBA history with 19. The ability to shoot and defend are important in basketball, but why hasn’t Adam Silver and the NBA given fans the opportunity to vote for which players have the best hairlines? Kareem failed to ever keep up with his hairline and would never have made any All Star Hairline teams during his time. As a man of the people, I have done the work that the league refused to do and acknowledge those who take time and care into their folliculal hygiene. Without further ado, here are the 2018/19 NBA All Star Hairline selections:
Methodology
All Star selections are heavily argued among both fans and players alike, and hairlines are no different. Therefore, our team (aka just me) has created a methodology to define what constitutes an All Star Hairline selection:
- Natural length of hairline
- Cleanliness/purity of hairline
- Players with “white people hair” longer than an inch will are not eligible due to lack of sufficient evidence
- Players with braids/dreads will not eligible due to similar reasons
- Actual style of hair (fade, taper, etc.) will be not be taken into consideration — this is to respect the sanctity of the hairline without any other influences
- Must have played at least 5 games in the 2018/19 NBA season
- 13 players from each conference will be selected, including one “Special” Hairline All Star
Eastern Conference All-Star Hairlines
The Starters:
- Tristan “Two Girls” Thompson — Cleveland Cavaliers
- DJ “Used to be a Bobcat” Augustin — Orlando Magic
- Alize “Who?” Johnson” — Indiana Pacers
- Chandler “Whom??” Hutchinson — Chicago Bulls
- Jayson “Future Pelican” Tatum — Boston Celtics
The Reserves:
- Miles Bridges — Charlotte Hornets
- Kyrie Irving — Boston Celtics
- Joel Embiid — Philadelphia 76ers
- Bradley Beal — Washington Wizards
- Dennis Smith Jr. — New York Knicks
- Emmanuel Mudiay — New York Knicks
- Fred VanVleet — Toronto Raptors
Special Eastern Conference All-Star Hairline
- Dwight Howard — Washington Wizards
Jayson Tatum was unanimously chosen as the captain of the Eastern Conference NBA All Star Hairline team. After reports came out that Tatum pays his own barber to fly out to the away team’s city to clean his line up, it is clear that Tatum will become a perennial All Star Hairline selection and possibly end up in the Hairline Hall of Fame.
Though relatively unknown for his ability on the court, Chandler Hutchinson (5.2pts, 4.2reb) is almost a lock for Hairline Rookie of the Year. After deep analysis, we have confirmed that he has kept at least an 87 degree angle on both of his edges during all 44 games he has played this season. Both Hutchinson and Tatum look to dominate the league throughout the next several years.
Dwight Howard was selected as the “Special” All Star Hairline member of the Eastern Conference due to the consistency of his hairline throughout his 15 seasons in the league. Though his line has slightly pushed back due to age, Howard has continued to keep a clean line up though the spotlight no longer shines on the 8-time NBA All-Star. We respect the effort he has made throughout his career and honor him as the “Special” All Star Hairline member of the East.
Eastern Conference All-Star Hairlines
The Starters:
- Paul “The GOAT” George — Oklahoma City Thunder
- Devin “Damn the Suns trash” Booker — Phoenix Suns
- Lance “Underrated line up” Stephenson — Los Angeles Lakers
- Donovan “Better Hairline than Ben Simmons” Mitchell — Utah Jazz
- Lonzo “Big Baller Barber” Ball — Los Angeles Lakers
The Reserves:
- Russell Westbrook — Oklahoma City Thunder
- Karl Anthony-Towns — Minnesota Timberwolves
- Enes Kanter — Portland Trailblazers
- Wilson Chandler — Los Angeles Clippers
- CJ McCollum — Portland Trailblazers
- Elfrid Payton — New Orleans Pelicans
- Malik Beasley — Denver Nuggets
Special Western Conference All-Star Hairline
- LeBron James — Los Angeles Lakers
Paul George might go down in history as having the greatest hairline in NBA history. George, 28, has shown no signs of a receding hairline since he entered the league and is a lock of the Hairline Hall of Fame. Needless to say, George was the unanimous choice as Captain of the Western Conference All-Star Hairline team.
Enes Kanter is notably the only All Star to have “white people” hair. Though he has been criticized for having poor fades, Kanter has a God-given hairline that extends onto his forehead, and he has proved to consistently keep his line cleaned up throughout the season. Kanter is hoping to continue his success and find a new barber as he begins his stint in Portland.
Five years ago, LeBron James would never have been selected to this team. Life hit James fast in the early 2010s where his corners receded faster than Zion Williamson on a fast break. Since then, LeBron has committed the past several years to reviving his hairline. After several large headbands and hair transplants later, James now actually sports a rather respectable hairline. Though his hairline is not at the top of the league, the perseverance and effort displayed earned him the right to be the Western Conference’s “Special” All Star hairline member.
